All You Need Is Love

Love doesn’t always mean romance.

Let me say it again.

Love does not only mean romance.

When I was a kid, I didn’t like the way so many movies and books portrayed romantic love as the ideal be-all and end-all of human existence.  I wasn’t interested in romantic love; if anything, I was kind of disgusted by it.  I remember feeling disappointed that there were so few heroines who would turn down romantic love in favour of remaining free and unattached, able to take off on another exiting adventure with no need to give notice to a boyfriend or husband.  I remember the medieval festival in school, where I was the only girl who chose to be a knight instead of a princess (even though everyone was given the choice between knight and royal), and how I wanted nothing to do with the passive role where traditional romance made the woman into a prize to be won.

I decided that I was going to tell stories about characters I wanted to be.  Stories without mushy stuff.  Stories without love.

Only that wasn’t what actually happened.

As it turned out, my characters did experience love, even if they weren’t big on romance.  Most of them had friends.  Some of them had children, adopted or biological.  Some of them cared for parents or grandparents or other family members.  The most devoted warrior cared for her comrades and her country.  The most daring adventurer cherished her belief in knowledge and discovery, and risked her life for that belief.  The most dashing pilot loved his aircraft like a child.  These characters might not have experienced romantic love, but they felt love all the same.

A character who doesn’t love anything or anyone rarely cares about anything.  Love is the strongest form of caring that there is, and strong emotions mean high stakes and dramatic potential.  Who wants to read about a character who feels no passion, experiences no attachment, has nothing to lose, and can’t summon any feelings about it?  An utterly apathetic character is hard for readers to be interested in, because if the character himself cares about nothing, why should we care about him?

So let your characters love.  Let them develop friendships.  Let them have families, if the story allows for it.  Let them care passionately about a cause.  Let them believe in something:  a goal, a religion, a duty, another person.

What happens when a character is torn between two things they love?  This need not be a romantic love triangle.  What if a character has to choose between tending a sick relative and following their dreams?  Between their religion and their new friends?  Between their two children?  Between serving their country and raising their family?  These conflicts can create all kinds of tension without involving romance.

Sometimes I think it’s a little ironic that I’ve actually written some romance stories.  But even when I’m writing romantic elements in stories, I try to stay away from that old, abhorred idea that “falling in love” meant a heroine giving up her life of adventure for the sake of a man.

Sometimes romantic love means a bittersweet annual liason between a pacifist doctor and a female revolutionary.

Sometimes romantic love means the dashing gentleman pilot and the young man who fixes his airplane falling in love with one another.

Sometimes romantic love means sacrificing everything to save your partner…and failing, and your story is about what you do after that.

Sometimes romantic love means a turncoat and a pirate setting off together to found a new colony in the depths of uncharted space.

Romantic love is appealing to many readers.  It’s also an important part of many people’s lives.  These are only two reasons why so many stories contain romantic elements, and why romance as a genre is so successful.

I also, though, want to remember the readers who have been burned by romantic love, and want a story about a character who picks himself up and learns to live again.  I want to remember the readers who don’t experience romantic attraction and who are looking for characters who represent them and speak to them.  I want to remember the readers who, like me, are tired of forumlas and stereotypes and narrow definitions of what romance can (and by implication, should) be.

So let your characters love.  Let them love strongly and deeply:  family, friends, hobbies, careers, beliefs, and ideas.  Let the things they love create conflict for them.  If they experience romantic love, let it be as challenging and complex as any other form of human attachment.

Let love in fiction represent the multi-faceted presence of love in real people’s lives.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can the Science of Love Explain Love’s Murky Middle?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Love has a murky middle? Of course! It’s the part that happens after the first euphoria of new love and before contentment or divorce. It’s the part people ask about, “What’s your secret to a long and happy marriage?” or “How did it end this way?”

It’s the no-man’s land of relationships and in a novel it’s the murky no-man’s land of plot and character development. The stages of love are just as complex, with 3, 5, 7, 9 or 10 stages depending on who you read. Then there is the life stages perspective (adolescence, young adult, family, etc.).

What’s a writer to do? I mean, you want to make the love relationships genuine and not everyone can be at the same point or have the same experience at any given stage. The answer is to be aware of the stages, put each character in a stage and then mix it up with life’s curve balls.

There are many sources and websites on all these topics, but here’s a quick run-down.

There are three stages (source here) in which our hormones affect how we react.
1. Lust – gets you out looking for a mate. Testosterone and estrogen levels are high.
2. Attraction – the ‘love struck’ phase. High levels of hormones influence how we act during this stage. Surging levels of dopamine has the same effect as taking cocaine by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. There is less need for sleep or food, increased energy and the rose colored glasses which make every detail a delight. Adrenaline rushes make you sweat, your heart race and your mouth go dry. Increased serotonin keeps the new lover popping into your head. This is the love sick stage. The rejection of love however, can have disastrous consequences too such as depression.
3. Attachment – Vasopressin and oxytocin are hormones released after sex and helps keep people together for long term commitments. Serotonin keeps those warm and fuzzy feelings necessary for long term relationships.

Other factors, some of which are triggered by other hormones, affect how we fall in love and choose a mate. There are physical features such as face shape, height, voice timbre, as well as emotional stability, smarts, status and friendliness. Add to that body language, smell (love those pheromones!), touch and even taste (kissing). These are present in all stages from falling in love to being in love.

From a psychological perspective, there are nine stages of love. For more information, read here.
1. infatuation
2. understanding
3. disturbances
4. the opinion maker
5. the moulding stage
6. the happy stage
7. doubts
8. when sex life plays a pivotal role
9. complete trust

As a story teller, it’s important to know what the stages of love are because that allows us to add details to make the situation authentic and allows the reader to relate to the character. Mix it up with background experiences that affect the failure or success, add her determination to fail or succeed and you’ve created scenarios for us to sympathize with, be repulsed by, or even laugh at.

Choose your character’s stage of love and an aspect of that stage and use it to show us who she is and how she perceives her current situation. Do you remember falling in love and noticing how good that person smelled, how it excited you?  Then when you lived together and when that person went away on a trip, how you missed him and took comfort by smelling his clothes? In the attraction stage, it might be wonderful to smell the dirty shirt when you pick it off the floor. Oh the euphoria! But what happens in the attachment or happiness stage? Is the contentment still there when you carry the load of laundry to the washer? Is there passion, resignation or even disgust? That reaction tells us reams about your character, the stage of love she’s in and the dynamics of her relationship.

To understand what triggers your character, consider the science, hormones and the traits we subconsciously use to assess potential mates. Add in the life stage (adolescence, young adult, raising a family, middle age, old age) and a back story and that smooth scientific explanation suddenly gets clouded and twisted by life’s experiences. This is where back story is really important. Will your character go beyond the lust or infatuation stage? Why or why not? What is attractive or repulsive (such as physical features or attitudes) and why? Who does the person remind them of? What happened in their past to form their world view about love and what a relationship should be like? No matter the stage, is he happy, content, discontent, resigned or resentful to be there?

It’s the twists and turns in a character’s back story (and sometimes the current situation) which form a worldview and determines how a character handles each of love’s stages. The steps are the same for all of us but what makes us unique is our previous experiences, our childhood (experiences and role models), and successful and failed adult relationships. It’s also about those walls we all build and the subtle ways we keep our deepest yearnings from being met. That’s who we are and who our characters need to be – a complex of hormones and life experiences, of wishes and dreams fulfilled, sabotaged and failed. Love is what we strive for, biologically and emotionally, and what we aspire to – and if we don’t, that’s another story, isn’t it?

Science can provide the foundation for love’s murky middle, but we, as story tellers, need to mix those hormones with back story, expectations and life stages to make the murky middle a most interesting muddle.

Subverting the Meet Cute

“What is love? (Baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me no more!)” Everyone remember that classic by Haddaway (and of course, its star-making turn on SNL)? If so, sorry about getting it stuck in your head, but I’m using it to illustrate a point. When we consume fiction, be it in book, TV or movie form, love stories tend to follow very predictable, repeatable patterns. Just like the song’s beats and lyrics, we can see the same basic tropes play out over and over and over again.

And there’s a reason. Much like the song, these kinds of stories are catchy, satisfying in a particular way. We go into them expecting something to happen, and then it does. Two people meet, they fall for each other, some sort of conflict arises when one member of the relationship wrongs the other in some way, but at the end they realize they are meant to be together and all is forgiven.

That’s the romantic comedy variant, but if you pay attention you chart the different variants across any genre you care to name. They’re predictable as clockwork. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. The reason certain plot structures survive in fiction long enough to become tropes is that on some fundamental level, they just work. We find them pleasing. In this case, they depict a world where a person can find true love and retain it, even if they make some mistakes along the way. What concept is more appealing than that?

Of course, we all know it doesn’t always work this way in the real world. In my ever-present quest to inject more reality into fiction, I humbly submit that we should take the time to break out of romantic tropes. Maybe the wronged party refuses to forgive the hero and moves on to find happiness with another (or alone). Maybe the hero or heroine is never able to attract the interest of their unrequited love at all, and has to learn to let go of idealized interpretations of love before they can grow as a character.

You notice anything about those examples? At first glance, they all tend to be more pessimistic than the tropes they subvert. But I would disagree. The stock love stories we’ve all grown up on paint an unrealistic depiction of what real-world love means to most people. Think about it. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Are you serious? That’s crazy talk!

And even though they are pleasing to imagine, we shouldn’t assume that everyone wants to read stories about idealized, unconditional love all the time. If someone is suffering through a difficult breakup or even a divorce, they may not want to read a story about how true love is preordained and unbreakable. Maybe what will help them most is a story about how fleshed out, three dimensional characters who behave like real people tried to make it work and couldn’t for whatever reason. I guarantee you that while such a story might not be a warm fuzzy, a lot of readers will be able to identify with it.

The bottom line is this: love story tropes depict idealized love as we would like it to be, if you ignore the fact that the people such stories involved wouldn’t be in any way real. But love stories that focus more on character than tropes will do a better job of depicting love as it happens to real people. And when the most important key to hooking a reader is getting them to identify with a character, maybe that’s something we as writers should be trying to do more often.

“What is love” indeed.

Threads in a Tapestry

A guest post by Victoria Morris.

When I think about characters and the relationships between them, I see a vast colorful representation of the story Im trying to create.  People, emotions, gifts, and flaws all trying to balance together on the edge of something amazing, if I can weave them all together.

Its all very much like a tapestry for me, only I use words, character traits, and behaviors to weave my story instead of threads. Relationships and each characters strengths, weaknesses, reactions and experiences creating the storys overall tone and feel, are like the color and types of thread weavers use to bring a tapestry to life on a loom. Every connection is important. And all of them have different markers, and identities.

Each of these characters, and single threads of my woven picture can be defined symbolically the same: color, thickness, strength, positioning within the pattern.  Whether it has corse, or fine build.  What it is that connects them to their surroundings, the place in the image on the tapestry, and setting in a story.

Every thread has its own story, very like a character in a novel.  A characters backstory — the sum total of his experiences and how he reacts or is forced to react are the shades of those colors that create the same feel as the words an author chooses to illustrate with.  The shades of color can equal the genre or tone of the writing. If the characters been jaded, the colors are stormy or dark. Grays are prevalent. But if the story is an upbeat, happy one, those shades become much whiter, much brighter.

On the loom, the heart of the picture or tapestry, joins the single thread to other single threads.  At first, nothing much is visible in the weaving.  A bland line not connected to the wall, that seems shapeless as well as mundane.  But then something happens.  Forms start to emerge. Nothing begins to look like something. By sprinkling in some love, adding a dash of creativity, and a sudden burst of magic, the resulting mixture forms something fantastic.

I almost always have feeling first, when I come to the loom of my writing tapestry.  That feeling is represented in different ways, but usually first by color.  Light or dark permeate my thoughts, as the character builds him or herself into my minds eye.  From that color, I extrapolate other important data, the relationships with other characters new or as yet unknown begin to show themselves.  Its here in this step I sense a lot of who my characters are as people.  What do they care about? What would they give everything for? Whom do they loveand why?

I interview them, and as they answer these questions and others, their shape appears.  And with color and shape, I begin to see what it is that is unique to them, what it is that only they can bring to the story.

At the loom, separate threads soon expand to thick sections. Patterns emerge that can help an onlooker begin to understand whats happening.  Perhaps the sky has now appeared,  or a rushing waterfall can be seen in the forming image.  Huge chunks are missing, the perspective is not yet clear, but some of it is there, and its enough to know that each piece is special.

Here is where the reader is going to see me become animated, and excited. I know the players now.  I see them, and I care deeply for them.  Sometimes I care so much that they begin to haunt my dreams, sending me stories inside the story.  I always write them down, because almost always they lead to more of the magic.  Dream tales are the clues I need to know that my heart is truly vested in these people. And in their greater project. Now, I need to know where theyre going to take me.

And to do that, each character has to bring something of value to the table.  Something important that will move this work forward on its projected path. The job of prominent main characters, or even the seldom seen ones, is to make sure the scenes move expertly woven in, so they can bring a zap of inspiration when least expected.

Its in secondary and tertiary characters that I like to deepen the imagery with.  They fill in the blanks, and liven up the view. The story perspective widens, and everyone coming along for the ride, can see what I see.  Together with the main character, be it their best friend, their spouse however the story is being told each character combines their colors, differences, strengths, loves, and weaknesses, to make the grand picture stand out.  Just like when the weaver adds in the next sections of color, building up the scene with each new thread.

When our weaver sits back from their work, having spent many hours staring at single threads, small sections, grafting in a bigger picture.  Theyll notice the image as a whole.  Our weaver will see their mistakes.  Smile at their favorite sections.  Maybe theyll nod at the parts they like the best.  They may even tear sections out to reweave, retouching in places to make sure the colors blend well, so the scene comes to life.

Putting all of our hearts into our own work really shows here.  Every weaver has a personal story that carries into the piece.  Each of us have things that excite usinspire us.  People whom we love that enter our works be it by thoughtful intention or subconscious message.  I truly believe every part of us comes to bear when we sit down and tell our story.

Creating good character composition and interaction is a specialized art, very much like a weaver at their loom.  Making people come alive on paper, capable of eliciting emotion from a reader by that characters actions and reactions is a true gift, and a tough job all-in-one.

We as writers weave our darlings every single day, one sentence one thread at a time.  We take all the things we know, all the emotions we have, all the colors in our rainbow, and we push them through a loom of chapters, page breaks, and revisions to let the Tapestry in our minds eye come to life.

As an artist, I love being able to see my characters in living color, and I can create them visually in simple pencil sketches to surround and inspire me as the hard weaving work of actual writing progresses.  I think we All have something special in our tool box that helps us do this.   

When the loom lies quiet this last time, the onlooker sees the image of a woman with her hand outstretched pulling a drowning man to safety from the raging waterfall that had been visible near the beginning. Within that first perspective, and very little emotion invested, a viewer would see only water.  But now, looking down, they see a life-saving gesture.  And they are filled with the emotion that the weaver brought to their work.  They are thrilled. They are relieved. They are happy, or sad.  They hold onto their childs hand tighter, feeling a rush of intensity that the water alone would not have given.  The story in this work, couldnt tell itself without those first threads, just as it couldnt without the middle or the last ones.   It takes time, love, patience, and more time, for the final vision to emerge.  Just as it takes to give each written character and story, life and breath with words.

Each of our stories will grow, form, and find their way.  Some of the greatest tools a writer or a weaver possesses, are patience and tenacity.  And greater still, a love so strong and compelling in each of our hearts to work creatively at all.  All of us here are word-weavers.  And as such, we all have threads of imagination, and stretches of story on our own personal looms.  I love seeing each character and story start with beginning perspectives of single thread ideas, get woven into the intricate Tapestries we each can and will create.

victoriaMorrisAbout Victoria Morris: 

Victoria lives on the edge of a mysty magical forest in the Pacific Northwest with one husband, two daughters, a big white dog and one huge resident bald eagle that likes to circle over her house when she brings in the groceries. A lifelong artist and not quite as long writer, Victoria is building a universe inside her head that has taken form in a six book fantasy series, with a middle grade trilogy on the side. While illustrating the world and all its characters is always on her mind, she draws portraits in her spare time to relax. Find out more here.